the constant barrage of good and bad thoughts that float through my brain on a day to day basis

What you see when you look at yourself is distorted by your minds opinions and insecurities


The initial thoughts

Nobody wants you
Nobody likes you
You’re not good enough
You’re not worth their time
They don’t like you
They hate you
They only talk to you because they feel sorry for you
You’re ugly
You’re fat
You’re worthless
Your face is too round
Your stomach is so big you could use it as a bench
You need to loose weight
You need to wear makeup to make yourself look prettier
because nobody is going to notice you the way you are
You will never be enough no matter how hard you try
So stop trying

Counteracting thoughts

Love yourself no matter what
Who cares if you’re fat?
Stop caring about what other people think of you
As long as you are happy and healthy, nothing else matters
You do have people who love you
You do have people who care about you
You are not worthless
You are worth a thousand stars
You will burn bright and powerful
Bodies come in all shapes and sizes
Yours is normal
Yours is beautiful
Do what makes you happy
Wear makeup if you want to
Don’t wear makeup if you don’t want to
People will see you as you no matter what you think about yourself
What you see when you look at yourself is distorted by your minds opinions and insecurities
Other people don’t care about your weight
If they do, then they’re not worth your time
You are worthy
You are beautiful
You are amazing
Be yourself

an observation; the man in line at medicare

Part of my Observation collection

a cigarette behind one ear,
a pen behind the other
arms covered in tattoos
he moved with a graceful swagger
his light brown skin,
an indication of his heritage
his clothes and mustache
a sign of his modern association
he looked like someone
I would like to get to know
if only I had the courage
to get up and talk to him



i’m gone

My attempt to write rap lyrics. You’re welcome

my voice is fading
my eyes are caving in
your power is overwhelming
I can’t help it
if i fall under your spell again
you’re supposed to be supportive
but all you do is talk shit
you don’t catch me when I fall
instead you point and laugh at all
my attempts to help myself
I need you to be someone else
but you’re not and I can’t change you
instead maybe i should leave you
but love is about sacrifice
and, well, sometimes you treat me nice
it should be ALL the time
you should make me wanna fly
but I feel like I’m drowning
in all your negativity
I think I need to set me free
cut loose all of your baggage
that you’ve been making me carry
so if you love me set me free
go on and let me be
it’ll be healthy for the both of us
to get some time apart from this
but your power is overwhelming
I can’t help if it I fall
under your spell again
I’m gone
I’m gone
your casual and callous destruction
don’t leave me with no function
when your hands touch my skin
it makes me feel like a shining star
but your fingers leave a galaxy
of bruises where they are
I’m gone.



An Observation; Ben

His hands are steady as he puts pen to paper; images flowing from his mind and into being. His face is the picture of concentration as he draws, his mouth set in a determined line. His usually expressive eyebrows still and clam as he works. He sings along absently to the blissful music spinning on the record player in the background. His fluffy hair hands in his face just touching the line of his brow and his eyelashes touch his cheeks each time he blinks. He is content.


Today is the day
of chocolate delights
and hold me tights
of forget me knots
and cooking pots

Today is the day
of lazing around
and going down
of worn out sheets
and really cold feet

Today is the day
of being alone
and hearing you moan
of drinking wine
and having a good time

Today is the day
that I tell you
and you say it too
those three little words
I love you

my father

I miss what he was meant to be. I wonder what he was like. What type of music did he like to listen to? What did his toes look like? How did he eat spaghetti? What were his opinions on gay and trans people? What did his handwriting look like?

I can’t remember what it felt like to be in his arms, to be the reason that he smiled. I always find myself wondering what my life would have been like if he was here to participate in it. Would I have turned out differently to the person I am today? Would his influence have made me a better person? What kind of advice would he give me when I’m having a hard time?

I feel his absence like a hole in my chest. But that hole has always been there and I don’t know any differently. How do you miss someone that you never knew?

The word Dad or Daddy is foreign on my tongue. I look at my friends and their fathers and just find it so odd that they have this close loving relationship where I just have a gaping hole.

He died when I was three years old. It’s been seventeen years and I still have questions. Questions that will haunt me forever because they will never be answered.


I have found the Illusive and mysterious unicorn. I have found it in the form of a man.

I have found the illusive and mysterious unicorn. I have found it in the form of a man.

I have found it in the way he smiles when silence turns awkward and when his eyes crinkle at the corners when he laughs. He is a rare breed of polite man, whom doesn’t act like the ever so common fuck boy. He holds open doors, he drives you home after a date and he doesn’t expect anything in return. He is a nerd. He’s nearly got a science degree and he loves Lord of the Rings enough to actually get through reading all the books without wanting to die more than twice. He is genuinely kind. He loves dogs and thinks you’re weird because you don’t. He coo’s over dogs he meets in the street. He’s the nice guy that girls say that they’re looking for while they gallivant about with the aforementioned fuck boys. His body language screams strong and capable but a little bit self conscious. He wears shirts that fit him perfectly, outlining his arms and chest. Damn, I could stare at him all day and not get bored. I find myself wanting to lean into his warmth and feel his skin against mine.

I have found the illusive and mysterious unicorn. I have found it in the form of a man.