New things

Can you be excited and terrified at the same time? Have you ever wanted to try something but at the same time worry that you wont like it as much as you think you will? I suppose thats why safe words were invented. I suppose thats why you try it in the first place; to see if you like it. Im scared. But i also have butterflies in my tummy every time i think of his hands creating a galaxy of brusies on my body. The thought of being inflicted with such pain ignites an excitement inside me that ive only ever felt two times before. Once when i decided to have sex for the very first time. The nerves coursed through my body like caffeine, making my hands shake and my body tense. But it also made me jumpy and paranoid, like every single person i encountered knew my secret. Like i was doing something so inherently wrong and dirty. The second time was when i decided to kill myself. The satisfaction of actually having a plan and knowing that it was all going to be over soon created an unstable sense of excitement inside me that was like no other feeling. It was a dangerous high. One that i didnt think i was capable of reaching and hope i never do again. I have been close many times. I have an addictive personality. So knowing the pleasure of such excitements is a dangerous game. Sometimes i fall into a mood where my will is weak and i binge. On food, on cigarettes, on alcohol, on orgams and pain. My mentality is masocistic. I seek out my weaknesses because i enjoy the torment and the suffering. I once told a friend that i was going to go out and get my heart broken because i had nothing better to do. I feel as i am a burden on those closest to me, because i rely on them to help me put myself together again. But i cant stop myself from wanting. His hands will enable me. They will feed my addictions and fuel my downward spiral. Once i know this new found pleasure, i fear it will become an addiction. I worry that i will crave the touch of abbrasive hands and feed on the tellings of high and mighty men.



I fell too fast. There was just something about him. He was addictive. Like crack except prettier. His laugh was infectious. His voice sweet and soothing. He had this playful but intense aura about him that drew me in. I thought that he was a good man. His hands were so gentle with me, as if he thought i might break. But there was something wild beyond the surface waiting to break free that had me fascinated and curious. Curious to see if i could break it and set it free. I thought the intimacy; that hot, heavy, passionate, toe curling connection was authentic. I fell in love. But with love came rose coloured vision. I didnt see him for what he really was. A man. Just a man. I have learned not to trust so easily. The heart i wore on my sleeve got crushed and so now it is safely tucked away in between my ribs. Locked away in a cage for its own protection. I shared dark secrets, and hopeful dreams that i wish never dared to escape my lips. I shared my very being and my soul. And he took all of that and ended it in one minute. It was a short romance, but it hit me deeply. I am recovered, but it will always stick with me, a cationary tale not to fall too fast too soon. Not to trust so easily and believe so readily. I am stronger for the heartbreak. And i do not regret the experience. But i will not go back. Only forwards.


Do you ever get that feeling where all you want to do is go home? But youre so lost in your mind and your life that you dont even know where that is anymore? Youre fucking everything thing up and disapointing everyone that cares about you. Do you know that saying home is where the heart is? What if youre heart is just as lost as your head? Youre completely fucked up and you honestly have no idea what to do. You feel like everything youve been trying to build is crumbling down around you and theres no way you can stop it. All the pieces are falling on top of you, waying you down and crushing you. You feel like you cant breath. You just want to go home. But you cant. Because you dont know where that is. You feel incredibly alone and theres nothing you can do but swim in it. Drown in it. Maybe when the loneliness fills up your lungs everything will be quiet. So you let it happen but it just gets louder and louder until you cant take it anymore. Thats when you decide to count all the knives you have in the kitchen. You put them all in the bottom draw and close it as hard as possible. Convincing your self that if they are in that draw, then they dont exist. Because all you want to do is use every single on of those nineteen knives to silence all the noise. Stop all the pain. Free everyone from the burden you have become. But instead you sit and you cry and you go back to that draw every half an hour and count them again, just to make sure you got it right.

thank you to the woman who saved my lifeĀ 

I feel like im on top of the world, like everything is going my way. I have goals that shine like hope into a future I couldn’t even imagine only months ago. The deep ache that consumed me is now but a distance thrum of energy, reminding me of the before and how far I’ve  come. I still have a long way to go, but the darkness that shrouded my path is gone. In its place is a golded warmth that makes me excited for life. I havent been excited about anything in a long time. 

I am comfortable in my home and the creeping anxiety is fading away. I am finally content with where my life is heading. I feel as though I am paving a stone path that will be the foundation of my happiness. Happiness is my goal and I’m so close to reaching it that I could scream. I want to run outside in a thunderstorm and spin around and around in cirles until the ground and the sky are confused in my vision. And if the great lightening chooses me to strike, I shall use its power to propell me towards my dreams.

 I want to say thank you, to the most beautiful best friend I could ever ask for. You picked me up when I was at the lowest point in my life and helped me see that I had potential. You see it in me everyday even when I can’t see it for myself. You pointed me towards a new begining and helped me to see that I am beautiful and worthy. So thank you, for saving me from myself. I will forever be greatful 

another mop

I want to ease into a great love
That will define the world
and make relativity seem simple in comparison

I am lonely
As lonely as the sun, hanging in the sky all by itself
Like the stars that shine so bright but so far away from one another
Like the separation of two pieces of land by a strong flowing river that refuses to move
Like the ocean floor that longs for the sky
And the sunlight longs for a touch of darkness
I am lonely
I crave the crowded, noisy warmth of companionship
I want to ease into a great love
That will define the world
and make relativity seem simple in comparison
I want the touch of another
To know what skin feels like when it touches mine
When it wraps me up in a loving hug
and makes me feel safe for the first time in a long time
I want someone to wipe away the tears that flow freely
as I attempt to assuage the deep ache in my heart
I am lonely and I am hopeful

an observation; the man in line at medicare

Part of my Observation collection

a cigarette behind one ear,
a pen behind the other
arms covered in tattoos
he moved with a graceful swagger
his light brown skin,
an indication of his heritage
his clothes and mustache
a sign of his modern association
he looked like someone
I would like to get to know
if only I had the courage
to get up and talk to him



the woman I want to be

She had an elegance about her. The way she moved with a flow and grace, every single step and twitch a precise art crafted in her mind. The swish of her long brown hair and the way her hips swayed slightly when she walked, her footsteps a whisper on the pavement.

She cultivated her image. She wanted to be something , and so she was. She wanted to do something and she did. Her confidence came with ease, and her smile even more so. Her laughter was boisterous and infectious; the pure joy she emanated made everyone in her vicinity immediately happy. She was the incarnation of perfection, and yet she had her flaws too.

She never wore matching socks, hated getting out of bed on cold winter mornings and often took to a tub of nutella with a spoon. She was blunt and unapologetic, sometimes coming of as mean and she hated animals. She had the tendency to talk over people and she snorted loudly when she tried to scoff in derision.

And yet he still loved her anyway.