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first blog post

I wanted to start a blog so that I wouldn’t have to keep buying diaries. Although I will probably keep buying diaries because they’re so pretty and I have no self control.

I wanted to start a blog so that I wouldn’t have to keep buying diaries. Although I will probably keep buying diaries because they’re so pretty and I have no self control.

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Rant: Bad friends and unhealthy expectations

My problem being depression and social anxiety, it was destined to end in disaster.

I moved to him because he inspired happiness. He was the type of person that had boundless energy that was contagious and I was desperately drained. I thought he was the solution to my problem. (I realise that he is not a solution to my problems but rather another human being and that putting that kind of responsibility on someone is unhealthy. What I’m trying to say is that I thought being around his personality and energy would help to motivate me to be better and get out there more, which it did to an extent.) My problem being depression and social anxiety, it was destined to end in disaster. So I moved in with him, in a share house with two other people. They were nice and quiet and kept to themselves mostly. I was okay with that, because he was there and his presence made me feel alive again after being so close to dead for so long. He was so fun and exciting. His life was always full of something, whether it be drama or relationships or depression. He was the everything to my nothing. He filled up the space that I had too much of. He distracted me from my problems and encouraged me to keep on forgetting about them.

But he was also so absorbed in his own life, and his own problems that he didn’t notice my struggle. And he had significant problems. Maybe even ones that were bigger and more important than my own. But friends are meant to be there for each other. I was there for him throughout the entire thing, even if sometimes he didn’t notice that he was unloading all his troubles onto my shoulders. At the time, the added weight didn’t make much difference, there was already so much there. But soon I began to stumble under it all, my shoulders began to ache and my back started to creek. I felt the need to put it all down and run away from it but I couldn’t leave him to deal with all his troubles on his own and run home to my mother. I was an adult now, a woman who could deal with her problems on her own without crying to mummy. And so I stayed.

The first eye opening thing that made me realise that maybe out friendship was lopsided was on New Years Eve. AKA the night that my Father killed himself seventeen years ago. This year, away from my family, it hit me particularly hard. My father had chosen to kill himself rather than to get help and live his life and raise me. It made me drag up hard questions. “Am I not worth wanting to stick around for?” “Did he not love me enough?” “Am I not good enough?” I had this hole in my chest where his love should have been and that night it started to ache so profusely and I needed my friend there to help me through it. Instead he chose to spend the night with his boyfriend, even though he knew what I was going through and dealing with. It was a sign. I should have seen it then and packed my bags, gone home or moved on to somewhere else. But I didn’t.

A month later he tells me he’s moving to Melbourne with his Boyfriend, whom he had only know for four months. We had been friends for three years and I had literally moved states to be with him and he’s just going to up and leave me here all alone. Now I understand that the move was this big thing for him. There are more job opportunities in Melbourne, his boyfriend was going to be there and he didn’t want to end things just because of the distance. But I thought at least he would have talked to me before he made the decision, asked me my opinion on the matter or something along those lines. Instead he just tells me, oh by the way I’m moving away and you’ll be here all by yourself and I don’t particularly care about your feelings on the matter.

Instead of yelling at him like I wanted to do, I told him to do what he wanted. And he did. It’s been a couple of months since he left and I’m still so angry with him, but I never expressed that anger to his face. I regret that I didn’t. We don’t talk as much anymore. I just don’t have the stomach to talk to him when all he can do is talk about himself and his life and his problems. He doesn’t even ask me how I’m doing. I’ve assumed he doesn’t care.

If he doesn’t care, then neither do I.

Eh.

Eh.
not bad, not good, just Eh.
that feeling where happiness is just out of reach and you feel numb
that feeling where the world is too loud, but you crave to hear it anyway
I hate eh, because I get this itch under my skin that I cant reach and it makes me want to move, but it also makes me want to be still and do nothing
my focus blurs, I can’t concentrate enough to sit down and read a book to pass the void time
I am inside a black hole
everything is so slow, and yet going too fast for me to notice it all
I can’t keep up and soon it will all disappear for ever and I’ll never get it back and yet I still waste my time
Eh.
people often mistake this feeling for boredom, but I know better.
it is more than bored
it is more that tired
it is nothing and everything all at once
all the questions of the universe crashing into your body
traveling through your veins until it reaches your heart
and turns it black with darkness
all the unanswered questions pile up
and crush you like a tonne of feathers
so soft on your skin but still with the weight of a thousand suns
but without the light
Eh.
who needs vision anyway when all you’ll see in this world is
people hurting each other for no good reason
who needs vision anyway when all you will see is people suffering
who needs vision anyway when all you will see is people standing by,
not doing anything to help
when they have the means and the money and the power
Eh.

another mop

I want to ease into a great love
That will define the world
and make relativity seem simple in comparison

I am lonely
As lonely as the sun, hanging in the sky all by itself
Like the stars that shine so bright but so far away from one another
Like the separation of two pieces of land by a strong flowing river that refuses to move
Like the ocean floor that longs for the sky
And the sunlight longs for a touch of darkness
I am lonely
I crave the crowded, noisy warmth of companionship
I want to ease into a great love
That will define the world
and make relativity seem simple in comparison
I want the touch of another
To know what skin feels like when it touches mine
When it wraps me up in a loving hug
and makes me feel safe for the first time in a long time
I want someone to wipe away the tears that flow freely
as I attempt to assuage the deep ache in my heart
I am lonely and I am hopeful

the constant barrage of good and bad thoughts that float through my brain on a day to day basis

What you see when you look at yourself is distorted by your minds opinions and insecurities

The initial thoughts

Nobody wants you
Nobody likes you
You’re not good enough
You’re not worth their time
They don’t like you
They hate you
They only talk to you because they feel sorry for you
You’re ugly
You’re fat
You’re worthless
Your face is too round
Your stomach is so big you could use it as a bench
You need to loose weight
You need to wear makeup to make yourself look prettier
because nobody is going to notice you the way you are
You will never be enough no matter how hard you try
So stop trying

Counteracting thoughts

Love yourself no matter what
Who cares if you’re fat?
Stop caring about what other people think of you
As long as you are happy and healthy, nothing else matters
You do have people who love you
You do have people who care about you
You are not worthless
You are worth a thousand stars
You will burn bright and powerful
Bodies come in all shapes and sizes
Yours is normal
Yours is beautiful
Do what makes you happy
Wear makeup if you want to
Don’t wear makeup if you don’t want to
People will see you as you no matter what you think about yourself
What you see when you look at yourself is distorted by your minds opinions and insecurities
Other people don’t care about your weight
If they do, then they’re not worth your time
You are worthy
You are beautiful
You are amazing
Be yourself

an observation; the man in line at medicare

Part of my Observation collection

a cigarette behind one ear,
a pen behind the other
arms covered in tattoos
he moved with a graceful swagger
his light brown skin,
an indication of his heritage
his clothes and mustache
a sign of his modern association
he looked like someone
I would like to get to know
if only I had the courage
to get up and talk to him

 

 

i’m gone

My attempt to write rap lyrics. You’re welcome

my voice is fading
my eyes are caving in
your power is overwhelming
I can’t help it
if i fall under your spell again
you’re supposed to be supportive
but all you do is talk shit
you don’t catch me when I fall
instead you point and laugh at all
my attempts to help myself
I need you to be someone else
but you’re not and I can’t change you
instead maybe i should leave you
but love is about sacrifice
and, well, sometimes you treat me nice
it should be ALL the time
you should make me wanna fly
but I feel like I’m drowning
in all your negativity
I think I need to set me free
cut loose all of your baggage
that you’ve been making me carry
so if you love me set me free
go on and let me be
it’ll be healthy for the both of us
to get some time apart from this
but your power is overwhelming
I can’t help if it I fall
under your spell again
I’m gone
I’m gone
your casual and callous destruction
don’t leave me with no function
when your hands touch my skin
it makes me feel like a shining star
but your fingers leave a galaxy
of bruises where they are
I’m gone.

 

 

An Observation; Ben

His hands are steady as he puts pen to paper; images flowing from his mind and into being. His face is the picture of concentration as he draws, his mouth set in a determined line. His usually expressive eyebrows still and clam as he works. He sings along absently to the blissful music spinning on the record player in the background. His fluffy hair hands in his face just touching the line of his brow and his eyelashes touch his cheeks each time he blinks. He is content.